Major Newspaper Announcement

APN News & Media announced today that, in a major cost-saving drive, they will be cutting the number of pages in the New Zealand Herald to five. The newspaper will retain the same number of advertisements but will be publishing smalls only in a special expanded edition of the Herald on Sunday. Obituaries, births and marriage announcements will now be only available online under a new tab, “miscellaneous”.

There will be no full-time journalists but the newspaper will accept any free-lance work from former journalists provided it contains at least one approved word in it’s opening sentence. Approved words are “Sex”, “Gay”, “Hot”, “Global Warming”, “John Key”, and “Pussy”. Names of famous people, politicians and double entendres will be considered.

The Herald will retain it’s entire sub-editing staff of three monkeys and a giraffe who will be employed cutting and pasting parliamentary press releases, Associated Press articles and blog posts. This is not anticipated to require much retraining.

The editor will be replaced next year by a gerbil named Cyril, prior to reducing the number of newspaper pages to three. Quality of editorials is unlikely to diminish.

APN expect to achieve their goal of zero pages by mid 2012, in anticipation of the switch to computer bots assembling the Herald website from small fragments of blog posts, mainly from a housewife in Minnesota.

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