Flogging the Flag

The Herald is running this demented campaign at the moment to change the New Zealand flag. Clearly, anyone with a halfway-decent-functioning brain cell would realise that the best time to design a new flag would be if and when we decide to become a republic. Redesigning a flag at the moment is a meaningless exercise in mindless branding, as evidenced by the mostly appalling designs displayed in the Herald’s web site here and here.

MacDoctor has some observations on flag designs:

1. Black is not an appropriate background for a flag. The only flag to have an all-black background was the Jolly Roger. Go and play with the Somalis and leave us alone.
2. You are supposed to recognise the colours of a flag. Only a moron would put the name of the country or, worse still, the initials of it (OMG!), on a flag. Death is too good for you.
3. Those people who included a small cute icon of a kiwi should immediately throw themselves off the Auckland bridge as a warning to silly people the world over. The Heraldic Authority of New Zealand has already hired hit men to eliminate you, anyway. Your days are numbered.
4. Flags that incorporate dozens of elements look like one of those old TV test signals – dated. Mind you, it suits the high pitched whine some are making on this issue.
5. The biggest argument against using a silver fern is that John Key likes it. Not that I dislike the man, but, recall, he is an investment banker turned politician. Would you let your accountant design your logo? Telecom obviously did (both logos) and look where it got them. Do we really think that the only thing good about New Zealand is our rugby team (you know, the one that keeps losing the world cup)?
6. You know that white bar in the middle of tino rangatiratanga? That can represent the massive division that will be caused by suggesting a design based on it. Very symbolic. And stupid.
7. The “stars only” motifs will get us into a serious copyright war with Southern Cross insurance. This is not necessarily a bad thing. But do we really want to be the butt of endless “stars” jokes – dancing with the stars, stars in their eye, when you wish upon a star and, of course, endless coffee shops called “starlight express(o)”.
8. Swirly Maori motifs? Probably not a good plan for a country in which half of the people can’t even pronounce Aotearoa properly.

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