MacDoctor’s Guide to New Year Predictions (again)

Reprint from last year:

“Yes, it is that daft time of year when we all attempt to see into the future and generally make asses of ourselves. For those of you insane enough to try your hand at predicting the future, here is a short guide to the gentle art of predictions which will leave your readers stunned at your perspicacity. Or something.

• Make sure that at least a few of your predictions are completely obvious as in “There will be 365 days in 2009″. At least you will have some right. Otherwise you will look like a prat. You can disguise the obvious ones with dates and figures, as in “President Obama will make an inspiring speech in April” or “Hamas will launch more than a thousand rockets at Israel next year”. Do not overdo this otherwise even the stupid ones will catch on.
• Check out the predictions everyone else is making. Choose one or two that people seem to agree on (as long as they don’t fall into the first category). It goes without saying that you should not be the first off the block in making your predictions. (Don’t forget to alter the words so people don’t know you are plagiarizing, Noelle.)
• Next, put in a couple of slightly daring ones that you have a little knowledge of. You don’t need to be an expert. Be as vague as you like but remember dates and figures always impress. And even if you are slightly wrong you can always award yourself 8/10 for being almost right. For example “John Key will announce an important measure to counteract the economic crisis in May” Chances are, May will be budget month and Key is going to say something about the economy then, so you should score okay.
• Finally you need to make some wild predictions that are highly unlikely to come true. Like “Aliens will land on the White house Lawn in November” – this is so you will certainly get some wrong. Remember, nobody likes a smart-arse.
• Don’t forget to mix them up so that nobody twigs what you are doing.

And MacDoctor’s predictions were:

A meteorite will strike somewhere in America this summer. (notice I don’t mention size or whose summer)

Helen Clark will be offered an overseas position by Key but will turn it down to work for the UN.

President Obama will make an inspiring speech in January.It is possible the oceans will fall at the sound of his voice, but I’m not predicting that.

At least a dozen devices will be dubbed “iPhone killer”. The iPhone will still be the number one smartphone of 2009.

Oprah will found a new world religion and proclaim herself divine. 97% of humanity will either not notice or die laughing.

Winston Peters will start a flurry of legal actions designed solely to keep him in the limelight. The media will lap it up because they’re really missing him.

There will be crises in maternity, emergency department staffing, oncology and radiotherapy this year. Tony Ryall will make deals with private hospitals to take up the slack in these areas.

The word privatisation will be used at least a thousand times in parliament.

The Standard will shut down after IrishBill is arrested as a psychopathic homicidal cross-dresser named Alfred (just kidding, Irish)

My cats will take over New Zealand and rule with an iron hand. Be very afraid.

See? 10 out of 10! Except that my cats only managed to take over the MacDoctor’s residence – but everyone has to start somewhere

Oh, and I don’t know about IrishBill ‘cos I don’t read the Standard anymore.  :-)

Related posts: