Inhuman Treatment

How may I help you, sir?

I was interested to read that a recent survey puts speech recognition answering services significantly higher on the aggravation scale than longstanding irritants such as having to wait in line. I have some sympathy for this, although my least favorite is when the phone rings during dinner and there is a robot telemarketer on the other end. It is bad enough when a human telemarketer interrupts my meal but the unutterable bloody rudeness of a machine disturbing me just makes me homicidal – or is that mechocidal?

I understand how automated systems can save companies money, but they don’t seem to realise (or perhaps don’t care) that they are using up your time to save their money. I have even heard companies dressing up their new automated service as a bonus because the machine answers the phone faster than a human and is more likely to forward you to the correct department. I think this is likely to be tripe, otherwise hospitals and the emergency services would not be running expensive call centers. Can you just imagine automating medical services? A likely conversation would go thus:

[Mr X is having chest pain and is calling the hospital emergency department for advice]

Mr. X: “Hello, could you put me through to…”

Robot: “Welcome to Robohospital. Our premises are now completely smoke free…”

Mr. X:  ”Yes, but I want to… Hello?”

Robot: “…and this call may be monitored for training purposes. Parking is available from 6am to 11pm…”

Mr. X: “Hello? Hello? I think I might be having a heart attack…”

Robot: “…on levels 4, 5 and 7. How may I help you?”

Mr. X: “What? Oh. Yes. Could you put me through to the emergency department. I think I’m having a heart attack.”

Robot: “I’m sorry. I did not understand your response. Please state the extension number of the person you wish to contact or the name of the department you are looking for.”

Mr. X: (between gritted teeth) “Emergency department.”

Robot: “Which surgical department do you require? ENT, General, Neurosurgery…

Mr. X: “No! No! I want emergency, not surgery.”

Robot: “I’m sorry. I did not understand your response. Which surgical department do you require? ENT, General, Neurosurgery…”

Mr. X: “Emergency, you stupid machine, emergency!”

Robot: “Putting you through to the Urology department…”

Mr. X: “You… You… Urg! Gaaaak!”

Urology department: “Hello? hello?”

[Mrs. X Now attempts to ring 111 while doing CPR on her husband.]

Mrs. X: “Hello, I need an ambulance..”

Robot: “This number is for emergencies only. For local police or hospitals please hang up and dial the number of your local hospital or police station. For Police emergencies involving theft press 1, For Police emergencies involving homicide press 2…”

Coming soon to a hospital near you…

I think I will file this under “satire”. For now.

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